Relationship problems

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In order to deal with the problems in your relationship, you must first discover the deeper underlying causes. This page is designed to help you discover the emotional truth of those problems and open the way to change.

You might find that one or two of these exercises may not be a great fit for you, but it is important that you try each of them. You may discover some uncomfortable truths about yourself in doing these exercises. Try to be kind to yourself, and schedule a session if you want some help or support. If you become overwhelmed at any point, just stop and rest.

Some of these exercises ask you to complete a sentence. Please read the sentence-stem either aloud or silently and then let the sentence finish itself without trying to pre-think an ending. Feel free to change the sentence-stem in order to make it feel more true. Repeat the exercise over and over until you are not getting any new endings before going on to the next one.

1. Begin by imagining a recent instance of the problem in your relationship. Take a moment and allow yourself to be fully present with it as though it were happening right now. Allow any strong feelings to come up. Notice what these feel like in your body and describe the sensations. Ask yourself when was the first time in your life you can remember feeling this way? Get very clear about what was happening and who you felt this way about. Spend some time reflecting on this before moving on.

2. Imagine this original person from your past standing next to your partner and tell both of them "You both make me feel..." and finish the sentence.
Keep doing this until you are getting no new endings.
When you are finished, write down some of the sentences that felt strongest.

3. Imagine this original person from your past standing next to your partner and tell both of them "What is the same about both of you is..." and finish the sentence.
Keep doing this until you are getting no new endings.
When you are finished, write down some of the sentences that felt strongest.

4. Imagine this original person from your past standing next to your partner and tell both of them "What I need most from both of you is..." and finish the sentence.
Keep doing this until you are getting no new endings.
When you are finished, write down some of the sentences that felt strongest.

5. Imagine this original person from your past standing next to your partner and tell both of them "I don't want to see that you are very different people because..." and finish the sentence.
Keep doing this until you are getting no new endings.
When you are finished, write down some of the sentences that felt strongest.

6. Now imagine waking up in the morning and going through the day with your partner without any trace of the problem. Not only is the problem gone, but you know that it will never return again. Pay careful attention to anything that feels unwelcome about this reality. Spend some time with this experience before moving on.
Write down what you learn.

7. In this exercise, you will insert a one or two-word definition for what is problematic about your partner where there is an underline. First get a good one or two-word definition of what you don't like about your partner. Now imagine him or her and say "Although there is a strong part of me that hates it, there is another part of me that is glad you _____________ because..." and finish the setence.
Keep doing this until you are getting no new endings.
When you are finished, write down some of the sentences that felt strongest.

By this point, many people will feel like they have just found a part of themselves that they did not know existed. You may have discovered that the problem in your relationship served an important purpose. It may have helped you feel closer, or been a more comfortable way of connecting. It is important not to turn this part of yourself into an enemy, but rather make it into a friend. You can do this by not trying to change it. Instead just accept it and let it be true. You should also spend some time each day reading over what you have learned about yourself. Many people will feel a strong need to have someone with whom to share this new truth. You can tell a trusted friend, a support group or schedule a session with a therapist.

If you would like to share your emotional truth with others, you can enter it into the form below. Offerings will be posted within 48 hours. If you would like to donate to PsychResources.net, click here.

Other factors

In addition to working with emotions, there are other important factors in helping to improve relationships. Please look over the following in addition to discovering your emotional truth. It is very important to remember that if anything on this list is difficult for you to do, there may be a hidden emotional truth against doing it. If so, try adapting the discovery exercises above to learn about this emotional truth, or click schedule a counseling session to get help from a therapist.

• Learn Nonviolent Communication together. It is a helpful way of expressing yourself that can lead to a lot fewer problems. While it can seem somewhat formulaic at first, you can learn how to think about it silently and speak nauturally.
• Try finding something joyful. An important part of being happy in a relationship is growing your own happiness. When most of the things in someone’s life are negative, the normal human response is to be sad, and when we feel sad we don't have much energy to invest in our relationship. If most of the people in your life are critical and don’t treat you well, it will be important to find new people who are kinder. This may be very difficult, and the support of a therapist can help.
• Spend time away from your partner. No single person can meet all of our needs. We need a community of friends. A relationship can be overwhelmed if one or both members are trying to get all of their needs met within it.
• If you are going through a hard time, try to take breaks from your negative feelings by doing something you enjoy.
• Get enough sleep, eat right, find some support (like a friend or group). Some people do not want to burden their friends with their troubles. Going to a support group is a good solution to this situation. You might try AA, CODA, or Depression Anonymous.
• Stop drinking alcohol if you can. If you can’t, try going to AA. It has a depressive effect on your brain.
• Get enough sunlight and exercise. They have been shown to be as effective as many forms of therapy at improving your mood.
• Try to practice deep breathing for 10-20 minutes each day. Find a safe, calm place, sit comfortably, and take deep slow breaths. Try to concentrate on the sensation of breathing in your nose, chest or belly. You will soon find yourself lost in thoughts and worries. When you do, congratulate yourself. You successfuly noticed that your mind wandered. Then go back to the breathing. It is not important that you prevent your mind from wandering. Just try to notice that it has, and return to your breathing.
• You may want to practice sending yourself love and compassion for 10-20 minutes a day. Find a safe, calm place, sit comfortably, and take deep slow breaths. Now say to yourself, "May you be safe. May you be loved. May you be healthy. May you be peaceful." Repeat these over and over again, just knowing that you want good things for yourself. You can also try sending these wishes to others. Knowing that someone wishes you well can be deeply helpful for people. You may also sit knowing that someone else wishes you well too.
• If you are feeling suicidal, click here.

This site is maintained by Tim Desmond, MFTI 51287 :: Supervised by Bruce Ecker, MFC 21355
copyright © 2007 Tim Desmond, MA. Last updated 31March2007.