Anger Management

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Anger management is most effective when it addresses the deep causes of anger. That is why this page is designed to help you discover your own unique emotional truth.

You might find that one or two of these exercises may not be a great fit for you, but it is important that you try each of them. You may discover some uncomfortable truths about yourself in doing these exercises. Try to be nice to yourself, and schedule a session if you want some help or support. If you become overwhelmed at any point, just stop and rest.

Some of these exercises ask you to complete a sentence. Please read the sentence-stem either aloud or silently and then let the sentence finish itself without trying to pre-think an ending. Feel free to change the sentence-stem in order to make it feel more true. Repeat the exercise over and over until you are not getting any new endings before going on to the next one.

1. Begin by imagining waking up in the morning and going through the enitre day without any trace of anger. Not only do you feel no anger, but you know that you never will again. You experience the same types of frustrations and people treat you the same way, but the anger is gone. Pay careful attention to anything that feels unwelcome about this reality. Spend some time with this experience before moving on.
Write down what you learn.

2. Now get in touch with your feeling of anger by imagining a recent situation that provoked it. Once it is there, feel the anger in your body, and then ask it, "What is your job?" or "How do you serve me?" and wait for it to answer.
Spend some time with this experience before moving on.
Write down what you learn.

3. Stay in the situation that provoked your anger. Make it feel very real and let the anger come up. Once you are there, say to the person who is the target of your anger, "When you see my anger, part of me hopes that you will…” and finish that sentence.

4. Stay in the situation that provoked your anger. Make it feel very real and let the anger come up. Once you are there, ask yourself, "If I don't go to anger right now, what would I feel?"

5. Stay in the situation that provoked your anger. Make it feel very real and let the anger come up. Once you are there, ask yourself what you were feeling the split second before you started feeling anger. Spend some time with this feeling before moving on. Write down what you learn.

6. Continuing to feel whatever you felt just before it turned into anger, and name what it feels like in your body. Still in this scene that provoked your anger, try saying the sentence, "Right now I am afraid that..." and let the sentence finish itself without pre-thinking an ending. You can change the sentence-stem to make it fit for you. Keep trying this sentence completion a few more times. When you are ready to move on, write down anything that felt particularly strong.

7. Still in touch with your feeling, ask yourself how old you feel, or when it was that you first felt this way. Let yourself remember what it was like when you first felt this feeling. Staying in that memory, finish the sentence again, "Right now I am afraid that..." Spend some time with this feeling. When you are ready to move on, write down anything that felt particularly strong.

8. Please imagine the important people in your life (including your family) and get a clear picture of them. Now imagine saying to them, "If I give up my anger, then..." and let the sentence finish itself.
Keep doing this until you are getting no new endings.
When you are finished, write down some of the sentences that felt strongest.

9. Now continue to be there with those people and try saying to them,"I need my anger because..." and let the sentence finish itself.
Keep doing this until you are getting no new endings.
When you are finished, write down some of the sentences that felt strongest.

By this point, many people will feel like they have just found a part of themselves that they did not know existed. You may have discovered that your anger served an important purpose. It may have kept you from feeling afraid, or protected you. It may have helped you to feel connected with important people in your life. It is important not to turn this part of yourself into an enemy, but rather make it into a friend. You can do this by not trying to change it. Instead just accept it and let it be true. You should also spend some time each day reading over what you have learned about your anger. Many people will feel a strong need to have someone with whom to share this new truth. You can tell a trusted friend, a support group or schedule a session with a therapist.

If you would like to share your emotional truth with others, you can enter it into the form below. Offerings will be posted within 48 hours. If you would like to donate to PsychResources.net, click here.

"I realized that if I don't feel angry, no one is going to listen to me or care what I say. This feels really powerful for me because now it makes sense. Thank you."
-- Jeff

"If I stop being angry at my father, then he gets away with what he did to me, and I can't let that happen."
--anonymous

"If I stop being angry I will lose my power or my only tool to win a fight."
--anonymous

"If I don't get angry then he has complete control of me..and I can't think for myself"
--Angelina

"If I give up my anger, I will feel deep sorrow and that scares me, since I might become depressed again."
--anonymous

Other factors

In addition to working with emotions, there are other important factors in helping to manage anger. Please look over the following in addition to discovering your emotional truth. It is very important to remember that if anything on this list is difficult for you to do, there may be a hidden emotional truth against doing it. If so, try adapting the discovery exercises above to learn about this emotional truth, or click schedule a session to get help from a therapist.

• Try to find a safe place. If you can, find a place that makes you feel safe. Common places are your bedroom or somewhere in nature. Try to spend as much time there as you can, preferably each day.
• Try to stop sugar, caffeine and any other stimulant you may be taking.
• Get enough sleep, eat right, find some support (like a friend or group). Some people do not want to burden their friends with their troubles. Going to a support group is a good solution to this situation. You might try AA, or CODA.
• Get enough sunlight and exercise. They have been shown to be as effective as many forms of therapy at treating anger.
• Practicing deep breathing for 10-20 minutes each day can also help with anger management. Find a safe, calm place, sit comfortably, and take deep slow breaths. Try to concentrate on the sensation of breathing in your nose, chest or belly. You will soon find yourself lost in thoughts and worries. When you do, congratulate yourself. You successfuly noticed that your mind wandered. Then go back to the breathing. It is not important that you prevent your mind from wandering. Just try to notice that it has, and return to your breathing.
• You may want to practice sending love and compassion your anger for 10-20 minutes a day. Find a safe, calm place, sit comfortably, and take deep slow breaths. Now let yourself feel your anger in your body and say to it, "May you be safe. May you be loved. May you be healthy. May you be peaceful." You can change these sentences to reflect the kind of care that your anger wants. You may say, "May you be respected." or something that feels right to you. Repeat these over and over again. You can also try sending these wishes to others. Knowing that someone wishes you well can be deeply helpful for people. You may also sit knowing that someone else wishes you well too.

This site is maintained by Tim Desmond, MFTI 51287 :: Supervised by Bruce Ecker, MFC 21355
copyright © 2007 Tim Desmond, MA. Last updated 31March2007.