Difficulty expressing needs
or being authentic

It can be hard for everyone to express their needs and feel comfortable being authentic. This page is designed to help you discover the emotional truth preventing you from feeling more at ease with these issues. Each person is unique, and so will be the key that will open their way to change.

You may find that one or two of these exercises may not be a great fit for you, but it is important that you try each of them. You may discover some uncomfortable truths about yourself in doing these exercises. Try to be nice to yourself, and schedule a session if you want some help or support. If you become overwhelmed at any point, just stop and rest.

Some of these exercises ask you to complete a sentence. Please read the sentence-stem either aloud or silently and then let the sentence finish itself without trying to pre-think an ending. Feel free to change the sentence-stem in order to make it feel more true. Repeat the exercise over and over until you are not getting any new endings before going on to the next one.

1. Please imagine someone, either someone close to you or a stranger, that you would like to be more authentic around. Get a clear picture as though he or she were there with you. Now try saying, "If I open up to you and show you my true self, then..." and let the sentence finish itself.
Keep doing this until you are getting no new endings.
When you are finished, write down some of the sentences that felt strongest.

2. Imagine some people in your life that you would like to feel closer to, but don't. Get a clear picture of these people and try saying to them, "I will not let myself feel close to you because..." and let the sentence finish itself.
Keep doing this until you are getting no new endings.
When you are finished, write down some of the sentences that felt strongest.

3. Next think of someone who feels comfortable around people and has an easy time being open and honest. Get a good image of that person and finish the sentence, "The difference between you and me is..."
Keep doing this until you are getting no new endings.
When you are finished, write down some of the sentences that felt strongest.

4. What do these differences it mean about you and this other person?
Spend some time relfecting on this before moving on.
If you come up with something about your self-worth, you may want to click here or to go through the low self-worth page at another time.

5. Try saying the sentence, "No one will understand the real me." out loud and see if it feels true to you. If so, write it down.

6. Try saying the sentence, "No one will like the real me and they will leave." out loud and see if it feels true to you. If so, write it down.

7. Imagine the kindest person you have ever known. You may want to imagine a religious figure or imaginary being that symbolizes kindness for you. Get a clear picture of this person and try saying, "I will not let in how safe you are because..." and let the sentence finish itself.
Keep doing this until you are getting no new endings.
When you are finished, write down some of the sentences that felt strongest.
If you are unable to imagine a safe or kind person, please either schedule a session or try going to a support group.

By this point, many people will feel like they have found a part of themselves that they did not know existed. It is important not to turn this part of yourself into an enemy, but rather make it into a friend. You can do this by not trying to change it. Instead just accept it and let it be true. You should also spend some time each day reading over what you have learned about yourself. Many people will feel a strong need to have someone with whom to share this new truth. You can tell a trusted friend, a support group or schedule a session with a therapist.

If you would like to share your emotional truth with others, you can enter it into the form below. Offerings will be posted within 48 hours. If you would like to donate to PsychResources.net, click here.

Other factors

In addition to working with emotions, there are other important factors in helping to become more authentic. Please look over the following in addition to discovering your emotional truth. It is very important to remember that if anything on this list is difficult for you to do, there may be a hidden emotional truth against doing it. If so, try adapting the discovery exercises above to learn about this emotional truth, or click schedule a session to get help from a therapist.

• Try going to a support group. Most people experience them as safe places where they can begin to have positive experiences opening up to other people. You might try AA, CODA, or Depression Anonymous.
• Get enough sunlight and exercise. They have been shown to be as effective as many forms of therapy at improving your mood.
• Get enough sleep, eat right, and stop drinking alcohol if you can. If you can’t, try going to AA. It has a depressive effect on your brain.
• Stop caffeine and sugar if you can. If you can't, try going to OA. They have been showed to decrease mood after the initial high.
• Try finding something joyful. When most of the things in someone’s life are negative, the normal human response is to be sad. If most of the people in your life are critical and don’t treat you well, it will be important to find new people who are kinder. This may be very difficult, and the support of a therapist can help.
• If you are going through a tough time, try to take breaks from your negative feelings by doing something you enjoy.
• Practicing deep breathing for 10-20 minutes each day can also help you get better at expressing needs and being authentic. Find a safe, calm place, sit comfortably, and take deep slow breaths. Try to concentrate on the sensation of breathing in your nose, chest or belly. You will soon find yourself lost in thoughts and worries, and when you do, congratulate yourself for having noticed that your mind wandered. Then go back to the breathing.
• You may want to practice sending yourself love and compassion for 10-20 minutes a day. Find a safe, calm place, sit comfortably, and take deep slow breaths. Now say to yourself, "May you be safe. May you be loved. May you be healthy. May you be peaceful." Repeat these over and over again, just knowing that you want good things for yourself. You can also try sending these wishes to others.
• If you are feeling suicidal, click here.

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copyright © 2007 Coherence Counseling, MA. Last updated 31March2007.